DONALD TRUMP REFUSED ACCOMMODATIONS IN BOTH HEAVEN AND HELL

• Apparently, according to New Yorker humorist Andy Borowitz, Jesus Christ refused a Facebook friend-request from Donald Trump during the 2016 primary season. More recent rumor has it that the real estate developer has asked evangelical superstars and close friends, Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson, to intercede on his behalf to have his tweets to the Savior unblocked. However, in an explanatory press release from his latest chief booking agent, Pope Francis, the Savior is quoted as saying, “'I saved the president from stoning so many times and forgave him for cheating of so many sorts that I have run out of cheeks to turn. And I have it on good authority that he is as unwanted Down Below as Up Above. Lucifer, the Damnation-counterpart of Salvation, told me on his hot line he turned down Mr. Trump's application for a beach-front golf course by the Lake of Fire in his infamous equatorial hot spot. In fact, the Infernal One begged me to save him from having to personally refuse The Donald’s next request for retirement and residency at his permanent resort because the applicant has no soul to give as the required down payment and entrance fee',” adding, "And now Beelzebub is receiving pestering emails from Graham and Robertson complaining their dear friend is in grave danger of finding no place to stay once he departs this earth. 'Can't you find one more cheek to turn?' Satan tweeted early this morning.'"

  Trump’s Bid to Become Born-Again Fails as Jesus Turns Down Friend Request

  By Andy Borowitz
  June 27, 2016
  NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The billionaire Donald J. Trump’s bid to become a born-again Christian failed over the weekend after Jesus Christ turned down his friend request, campaign officials have acknowledged.
  
  
  Jesus, who has not generally been active on Facebook, made a rare appearance on the social network on Monday to announce His decision to ignore the presumptive Republican nominee’s request for a personal relationship with Him.
  
  
  In a brief post, Jesus offered the following explanation: “Just everything.”
  
  
  The turndown from Jesus Christ, the inspiration behind one of the world’s most prominent religions, caps what has been a tough month for the Trump campaign.
  
  
  Privately, campaign staffers fretted that the candidate would pen a disparaging tweet about Jesus, which might alienate evangelical voters in key battleground states.
  
  
  But, at a rally in Pennsylvania, Trump made no reference to Jesus, and instead touted endorsements he had received from Gary Busey, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Joe (the Plumber) Wurzelbacher.
  • Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The